KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
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marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
The 6 types of sex
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
🙄😏😂🤣