Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
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Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.