If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
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If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Just a phase…
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.