*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
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I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
*watches the world burn*
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*