If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.