[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
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it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Raisins are grape jerky.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child