if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
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My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.