My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
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I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I needed a laugh this morning.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.