I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
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Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
this is literally a CIA plant
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”