Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
You Might Also Like
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him