Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 馃槀
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Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“What?”
– Jude
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there鈥檚 too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let鈥檚 focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh鈥orry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie