If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
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An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s