Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
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me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”