People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
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I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.