ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
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If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.