WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
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My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”