If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
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The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
who did the taste test?
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”