Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
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I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
My neck my back my allergy attack
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[montage of me giving-up]
Me irl
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
New Tinder profile.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is