I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
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Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all