Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
You Might Also Like
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Just a phase…
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes