No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
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I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*