but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
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before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.