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Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children