when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
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The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.