9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
You Might Also Like
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?