BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
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Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*