I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
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Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall