The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
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[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
When you let grandma cat sit
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.