Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
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[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.