Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
every single time
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.