me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
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*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.