Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
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Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”