to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
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Never forget.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
rise and shine we got egg
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.