The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
The opposite of Iceland is water water
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
dads on road-trips be like
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.