Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
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[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.