Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
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So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
THIS HEADLINE
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
LOL!
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE