what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”