Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
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Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what