My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
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nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid