This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
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getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa