I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
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Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.