I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
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Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Me too 😆
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.