my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
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It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET