son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
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Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2