[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
You Might Also Like
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]