At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
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Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks