How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
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If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
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Cat armor
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You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.