Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
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When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.