A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
This is amazing.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.