If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
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RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok